I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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