i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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