Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
