My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
