Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
