He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
