i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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