Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
