Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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