I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
