i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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