I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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