Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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