just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
