Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
