I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
