My friends, they love my intelligence
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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