he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
