Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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