I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
