this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
