My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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