Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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