i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
