I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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