is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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