dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
