Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
