how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
