I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
