Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
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my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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