I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
