P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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