Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
