Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
