I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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