i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.