Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.