Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
