we have pet lesbian snakes
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do