I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting