our cab driver is having phone sex.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
