You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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