Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
