How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He felt like a one man threesome
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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