i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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