I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
