I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
