i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
