I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize