I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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