If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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