My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
