census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
