She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
How's work?
Spinning.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
