remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
last night I used snow as a chaser
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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