Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
