Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
