I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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