wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
