you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
