It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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